I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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