i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
