guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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