guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
