The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
