Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
