Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
