do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
