My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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