Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Where did you get a picture of my penis
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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