i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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