I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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