I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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