my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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