Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
