If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
