come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
