I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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