i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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