There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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