im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
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