ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
