My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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