I think I won the penis lottery.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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