I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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