oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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