Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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