can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
