Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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