True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
