There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
