You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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