i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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