I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
