Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
