Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize