It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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