I'm sorry my penis didn't work
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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