Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
