ya dads aren't the best wingmen
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
