I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
