sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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