It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize