you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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