Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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