so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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