Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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