mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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