You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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