I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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