I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
