Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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