You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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