his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
