why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize