If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
