Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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