Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it's like heaven, but drunker
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
