There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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