my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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