I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
