get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
