Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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