Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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