My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize