I need to stop coming to work sober
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
