I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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