Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize