this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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