WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So I just went to clothing optional bar
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
