I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
